Emoting 101

I'm not emoting very well. I'm still a bit numb. To be honest I just don't think I'm ready to think about or deal with this at all yet. So I am constantly doing something... anything, as long as I'm not sitting quietly and thinking. I know I'll feel a lot better once I do think about it all, process it all and maybe actually CRY, but it just seems all too painful and hard and I keep putting it off.

I did start emoting a little bit yesteday. I went to the races with a group of girls (I've spent over a year in Sydney, and now that it seems that I actually have a group of girlfriends, I have bloody cancer to prevent my enjoyment of it. Sheesh.) and tried not to think about it at all. About half way through the day (probably assisted my champagne), I actually experienced an emotion... guilt.

Yes, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for being sick and throwing my life out of whack. I feel guilty for disturbing the happy little life that Rich and I are making here in Sydney. I feel guilty for making friends here in Sydney, then getting cancer and then asking for support. I feel guilty because I'm trying not to think about the cancer thing, so I'm not calling people to keep them up to date. I feel guilty for making other people think about this, and support me. I feel guilty for demanding attention. I feel guilty about asking for special treatment. I feel guilty for being different. I feel guilty for upsetting the lives of other people. And I feel guilty because I'm numb and not crying and screaming and generally being upset like I feel I should be. I feel guilty because I want to isolate myself and pretend it's not happening, and at the same time I want my loved ones around me.

Hey, it's an emotion - it's a start. And I know it's not a constructive emotion (it's a bloody stupid emotion), and it's certainly not a rational emotion, but it is an emotion, and that's a step in the right direction.