Cancerous Dating, Radiation and Everything Else

Cancerous dating - no, fear not, I am not about to start spouting vitriol about my ex. Quite the contrary. In case you have been blithely ignoring all my subtle-as-a-sledgehammer hints, there is a new man on the scene! Yes, indeed, that is what those references to dates and kissing means. Who knew!

Now, some internal turmoil about how much to reveal here. This is a blog about cancer, and the Pussycat Dolls, and anything else that happens to be on my mind, but primarily about cancer. And I have to be honest, there are some unique aspects of dating with cancer. So perhaps these should be documented? Then again, it all gets a bit reality TV if I start documenting my relationship online. Then there's the whole issue of how online personas can get you into trouble down the track.

Regardless, I do need to come clean about why I seem so indifferent to this round of treatment (much more interesting things on my mind). You remember the cocktail party I wrote about six weeks or so ago? It really was a very good night... The New Man (TNM), when confronted with one final strawberry and four ladies each with a glass of champagne all looking at him expectantly, made the correct decision, and the rest, as they say, is history. (We will ignore the later incident with the pizza. Strawberries trump pizzas.)

So rather than being preoccupied and depressed at the (admittedly rather crap) prospect of a brain tumour and all the subsequent treatment, I have been enjoying the euphoric high of a new relationship - the calls, the text messages, the dates, the flowers, the butterflies (of the tummy variety, he has strong views on animal ethics). The brain tumour is a mild irritant at worst at the moment.

So who is he, what does he do, etcetera etcetera? Let's leave him his privacy, shall we? After all, just because I choose to document my life, doesn't mean he should expose his. (Besides, he reads the blog too, you know, and then he would find out how amazing I actually think he is.) But he makes me laugh - and isn't afraid to poke fun at the cancer thing - and I definitely love the fact that he challenges me intellectually!

But yes, dating with cancer definitely poses some interesting problems. But, as TNM has pointed out (yes, emotional maturity too) maybe the issues that we had to confront early are still there in other 'normal' (stupid word) relationships, they just tend to be more hidden. It is an interesting dynamic when the scary question is no longer 'what if it doesn't work?' but 'what if it does?'. And it does pose ethical questions - how much information to disclose and at what point? There is a fine line between deception and too much heavy stuff too soon.

A couple of people have unkindly asked "Does he know exactly what he's getting himself into?" And yes, I think he does. He is a highly intelligent, emotionally mature adult and he has thought through most of the implications and is still making the choice to be with me. Apparently he agrees that I still have something to offer, and that it is perhaps premature for me to go and sit in a cave by myself until I die. (The premise behind the cave thing is, I presume, to stop getting close to people so that they won't get hurt when I die. I would like to think though, that if I actually went off to live in a cave, people would miss me anyway, and I would be as good as dead. So why not stay and make memories with people?)

Anyway, we are trying to tread the fine line between making sure we address these issues and not over-analysing and just enjoying the time we spend together. But I am very happy, and this is a particularly joyous time for me.

And now that I officially sound like a lovesick schoolgirl, let's talk about boring cancer stuff.

Dad, Beata, Soph and I went to the Wesley on Wednesday morning to start radiation. Unfortunately, no one there had thought to call down to Sydney to get the records of my last radiation treatment to make sure they weren't over-radiating anywhere, they hadn't booked me into a machine and the doctor hadn't arrived yet. So in the end, no radiation took place, although they did mold me a mask and did some preliminary scans.

Thursday morning radiation started properly. I need to be honest - after weeks of not expecting radiation to be particularly stressful, I did lose it when radiation actually started. I was bolted down into the machine (via facemask rather than actual head bolts this time - big improvement!) and then it all began. I wasn't expecting to be able to feel anything - I never have before. But there was a really bright light which made my eyes water, and a feeling similar to the one when you get dumped by a big wave - a huge flood of something rushing past your face and in your mouth and up your nose. It wasn't quite chlorine or salt water or antiseptic - but a flood of something of the sort. Anyway, it was a bit of a pathetic panic - I didn't move or anything, but I got the surge of adrenaline and worry that constitutes panic. I've done it another couple of times and it's better now that I know what to expect, but still a bit off-putting, I guess the word is.

Still, I'm feeling fine - perhaps a little bit more sleepy. I slept till 11am the other day - solidly through till 11, not dozing. Which is, believe it or not, unusual for me. Amazingly, I don't sleep all morning and then watch Oprah for the rest of the day. It clashes with Jerry Springer. But then again, I'm not expecting to feel any effects for a couple of weeks yet!

I am getting a little paranoid about brain function though. It seems to be working fine - I even proved it in Friday's Sydney Morning Herald - but I am starting to get nervous about repeating myself or forgetting things. It's also hard to tell if people are just toying with me... And it's not nice, people. Yes, TNM, that means you. And you too, Reg. But my vision is still perfect and I think my brain is still in good shape. Ask me again in a fortnight though.

I am getting a little paranoid about brain function though. It seems to be working fine - I even proved it in Friday's Sydney Morning Herald - but I am starting to get nervous about repeating myself or forgetting things. It's also hard to tell if people are just toying with me... And it's not nice, people. Yes, TNM, that means you. And you too, Reg. But my vision is still perfect and I think my brain is still in good shape. Ask me again in a fortnight though.

I am getting a little paranoid about brain function though. It seems to be working fine - I even proved it in Friday's Sydney Morning Herald - but I am starting to get nervous about repeating myself or forgetting things. It's also hard to tell if people are just toying with me... And it's not nice, people. Yes, TNM, that means you. And you too, Reg. But my vision is still perfect and I think my brain is still in good shape. Ask me again in a fortnight though.

Well, I thought it was funny... And at least with the new article I am unlikely to sell out completely in a couple of years. Not unless TNM can rustle up a tower decorated in Jessie-red with a well-stocked library and a herd of antelope nearby.

I went to see a lawyer last week as well. And ended up with some guy who didn't shake my hand and couldn't look me in the eye. If he is going to charge as much as he is for 'professional services', then he should at the very least be professional.

In the meantime, I am enjoying spending lots of time with Beata and Sophie. Sophie is at a lovely affectionate age and it's so good to spend some good, quality time with her. Poor Beata is feeling a bit taxi-like though - I'm not supposed to be driving in case my brain explodes or something (the very presence of a brain tumour suggests the possibility of a seizure - this is the only reason I can't drive, everything else is working fine) and we do need to drive all the way out to the Wesley every day! Still, it's good to spend some time with them.

So at the moment it's radiation every day for the next three weeks, with weekends off for good behaviour. And enjoying good company the rest of the time.

By the way, you all had a narrow escape last night. Three cocktails and a rather death-filled episode of Gray's Anatomy meant that I got a little maudlin and thought about posting. Thankfully the three cocktails kicked in and I went to sleep instead.

My life is so blessed at the moment. God is good. May he bless you as much as he does me. May he grant you the strength to get through the day and the serenity to enjoy it. May you know his great love and peace as you journey through each day.

Much love to you all.

Yours joyfully (what do you know, I do listen during Ian's sermons!)

Jessie xoxoxo