Back to bleugh
It had to happen. The happy, blithe, healthy Jess who strides into radiation every day with a smile has been replaced by the more subdued, tired and in pain one. Stupid cancer.
I am starting to feel some of the effects of the radiation. I am tired - very tired. And a bit light headed whenever I stand up. And much as I don't want to admit it, I am a bit more spacy and have trouble concentrating on my book. I realised the other day that I hadn't actually read a book in over a week - I have been tending to go online and read articles and blogs and such - things that require less concentration and dedication. So I started the latest Philippa Gregory and I seem to still be able to read okay... which is good, given that Harry Potter comes out later this month...
And I'm having a little bit of trouble with my right collarbone at the moment. Hoping that it is just a muscle or ligament problem, since all of my neck muscles are still pretty much seized up after the vertebra issues last year. I am having an ultrasound tomorrow to find out.
The pain in my collarbone was bad enough last night to warrant a morphine lollypop though. So the final State of Origin game was definitely a bit surreal. I giggled through the first half and slept through the second half, and couldn't focus or concentrate on the game at all. Morphine is like that. But I don't like taking morphine unless I absolutely have to, and the pain has definitely been managable today. So keeping it minimal.
I have been speaking at a couple of Leukaemia Foundation functions lately. Mostly thank you functions for the Shave for a Cure fundraisers. I took TNM to a corporate drinks function a couple of weeks ago, and one of the reps from one of the top fundraisers chatted him up. Quite openly too, when I came over she suggested that there were plenty more fish in the sea for me and that perhaps I should leave that one for her. Honestly, who chats up the sick girl's man? Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture?
Interesting lesson in inelastic demand in the past couple of days. (Yes Jacqui, I too am transported back to Hawken lecture theatre and the chocolate muffins. And the MORONIC tutor with no idea.) I had been given an estimate of my stereotactic radiosurgery before I went ahead with it, and it was quite a significant figure. But, you know, life saving brain surgery right? And who really needs a motorbike, anyway... To get the bill yesterday, and find that somehow that figure had doubled, was somewhat of a shock. I queried this with my doctor today, and she rang accounts, and I think that the figure will go back down again with some facet of Medicare. (Plus she chewed them out for not calling me before the surgery to make sure I was well aware of all of these hidden costs.) I still need to find out the final details. But the question is, would I still have gone ahead with the surgery if I had known upfront just how expensive it was going to be? Now, if it was curative surgery, if I was going to go back to 'normal' (stupid word) and healthy and 'fixed' then absolutely; what price health? But for me it is merely a delaying tactic; putting out another fire. On the other hand though, death by brain tumour would be very unpleasant and something I am trying very hard to avoid. So yes, I think I would have gone ahead with the surgery anyway.
Interesting issue, this one. What is the best way to die? Death by brain tumour is something that fills me with dread, and thus it was a complete no-brainer to seek treatment for it. (Tee hee hee. Not very funny.) The chemotherapy, however, was primarily intended to attack the cancer in my lymphatic cancer. Death by cancer in lymphatic system is comparably quite easy, however - become increasingly tired, sleep more and more and more and eventually keep sleeping. By undergoing chemotherapy, and it being quite so successful as it was, it probably means that at a later date the cancer will return somewhere else in my body. And probably won't be as 'easy' a degeneration as the lymphatic cancer. But on the other hand, the chemo has definitely bought me more time.
So what do you think? Is more time now worth a more unpleasant demise later? Or should I have gone for the easier option at the end?
I think you're all worth spending the extra time with. I've made my call. And thus I will continue fighting each and every fire as it burns. For now.
Yeah, I know. I always get a bit maudlin when I'm tired.
It's been a bit of a heavy post, but I'm still very happy. Very contented. Life is still good. Spending lots of time with family, friends and TNM. I am very blessed. In the great scale of crap to good stuff in my life, the good stuff wins. (Eloquent, wot.)
God bless,
Jess
I am starting to feel some of the effects of the radiation. I am tired - very tired. And a bit light headed whenever I stand up. And much as I don't want to admit it, I am a bit more spacy and have trouble concentrating on my book. I realised the other day that I hadn't actually read a book in over a week - I have been tending to go online and read articles and blogs and such - things that require less concentration and dedication. So I started the latest Philippa Gregory and I seem to still be able to read okay... which is good, given that Harry Potter comes out later this month...
And I'm having a little bit of trouble with my right collarbone at the moment. Hoping that it is just a muscle or ligament problem, since all of my neck muscles are still pretty much seized up after the vertebra issues last year. I am having an ultrasound tomorrow to find out.
The pain in my collarbone was bad enough last night to warrant a morphine lollypop though. So the final State of Origin game was definitely a bit surreal. I giggled through the first half and slept through the second half, and couldn't focus or concentrate on the game at all. Morphine is like that. But I don't like taking morphine unless I absolutely have to, and the pain has definitely been managable today. So keeping it minimal.
I have been speaking at a couple of Leukaemia Foundation functions lately. Mostly thank you functions for the Shave for a Cure fundraisers. I took TNM to a corporate drinks function a couple of weeks ago, and one of the reps from one of the top fundraisers chatted him up. Quite openly too, when I came over she suggested that there were plenty more fish in the sea for me and that perhaps I should leave that one for her. Honestly, who chats up the sick girl's man? Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture?
Interesting lesson in inelastic demand in the past couple of days. (Yes Jacqui, I too am transported back to Hawken lecture theatre and the chocolate muffins. And the MORONIC tutor with no idea.) I had been given an estimate of my stereotactic radiosurgery before I went ahead with it, and it was quite a significant figure. But, you know, life saving brain surgery right? And who really needs a motorbike, anyway... To get the bill yesterday, and find that somehow that figure had doubled, was somewhat of a shock. I queried this with my doctor today, and she rang accounts, and I think that the figure will go back down again with some facet of Medicare. (Plus she chewed them out for not calling me before the surgery to make sure I was well aware of all of these hidden costs.) I still need to find out the final details. But the question is, would I still have gone ahead with the surgery if I had known upfront just how expensive it was going to be? Now, if it was curative surgery, if I was going to go back to 'normal' (stupid word) and healthy and 'fixed' then absolutely; what price health? But for me it is merely a delaying tactic; putting out another fire. On the other hand though, death by brain tumour would be very unpleasant and something I am trying very hard to avoid. So yes, I think I would have gone ahead with the surgery anyway.
Interesting issue, this one. What is the best way to die? Death by brain tumour is something that fills me with dread, and thus it was a complete no-brainer to seek treatment for it. (Tee hee hee. Not very funny.) The chemotherapy, however, was primarily intended to attack the cancer in my lymphatic cancer. Death by cancer in lymphatic system is comparably quite easy, however - become increasingly tired, sleep more and more and more and eventually keep sleeping. By undergoing chemotherapy, and it being quite so successful as it was, it probably means that at a later date the cancer will return somewhere else in my body. And probably won't be as 'easy' a degeneration as the lymphatic cancer. But on the other hand, the chemo has definitely bought me more time.
So what do you think? Is more time now worth a more unpleasant demise later? Or should I have gone for the easier option at the end?
I think you're all worth spending the extra time with. I've made my call. And thus I will continue fighting each and every fire as it burns. For now.
Yeah, I know. I always get a bit maudlin when I'm tired.
It's been a bit of a heavy post, but I'm still very happy. Very contented. Life is still good. Spending lots of time with family, friends and TNM. I am very blessed. In the great scale of crap to good stuff in my life, the good stuff wins. (Eloquent, wot.)
God bless,
Jess
posted by Jessie at 8:18 pm
2 Comments:
Dear little one
You know what, I HATE cancer! And I don't even have it any more, but I loathe with every fibre of my being what it does to wonderful, amazing, inspiring people like you.
No one of your age should have to be pondering the questions you've asked in this blog. And yet, you are still able to find blessings to count in this whole hideous scenario.
You are my hero.
Love always,
Jane (Life Force)
Hi Jess,
A comment on your previous entry -- the going off and living alone in a cave thing just wouldn't have worked. Your friends would have found out which cave you were in and come to visit you. On the other hand, a cave could be a fun and unusual place for a party.
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