Let them eat cake...
One of the few good things about not having long to live is that you get to have cake for breakfast and not feel guilty.
And if you're on chemo, chances are that even if you have cake for breakfast, your legs are still as hot as mine. Thus also we see the great joys of premature menopause - all weight gain goes straight to your belly. So that you lose weight from all over (thus the awesome legs), and regain it solely round your middle. You take your wins with your losses. And my legs are pretty awesome right now. Fashion is currently sufficiently crap to be promoting the maternity tent look. Wins all round.
Let's say it together: "Phwoar."
So how am I? Mostly crap. Sometimes pretty good. But mostly crap. Unfortunately my fatigue levels are just enormous. I sleep 14 hours a night, plus a nap if possible. If I get this, I'm usually not too bad. I feel okay, and while still tired, I can get things done. If I don't get this much sleep, I can't function at all.
In a bit of pain, on and off. Mostly in my neck; the tumours there are now visible just by looking at me. Think lopsided hunchback (allowing room for my bad habit of exaggeration).
Actually, just go to http://picasaweb.google.com.au/jessicaannehorton (or click here) to see all the photos I'm gradually putting online. The good news is all the wedding photos are up! The bad news is you know perfectly well how slow I am at doing anything like this... but I am trying... (very trying.)
A lot of the lag has been because this blog needs to be under my old identity as Jessica Disteldorf, which has now changed since I married. Everything (including all the photos) are under my married name and I can't just sync in with my old name. But I do have a solution, but it will take time... In the meantime, I'll just provide the link.
And I think that things have finally settled down for us! The next couple of weeks do not involve any major activities that require lots of planning. I can sleep 16 hours a day and still get the things I want to get done done. And see people.
I had one of those Embarassing Public Display of Emotion a week or so ago. I'm still playing chess every week, mostly as a chance to hang out with my chess friends, but also to feel like I'm using my brain every now and again. Unfortunately, my brain has finally started to feel the results of the (yes, very successful and worth it) stereotactic surgery and whole brain radiation. I no longer have any sign of any brain tumours; it was worth it. But I do have a much reduced attention span, my memory has gone a bit sporadic and I forget words. Like that thing that you put plugs into when you need more plugs. I also have trouble with names. (Actually, that may or may not be true, I was pretty sucky with them before it, but I have an excuse now.) But it is kinda depressing that for someone whose intelligence is such an integral part of who I am and so central to my ego, it's really depressing to know that I'm not quite as switched on as I used to be. And after playing badly in this tournament for the last couple of rounds, I completely and utterly bollocked up a chess game. We are talking multiple passed pawns in a knight endgame, and then losing AFTER I've queened. LOSING, not drawing. And then my opponent told me that he and the guys had been talking about me and how good a player I was. (Emphasis on the was - I used to be okay.)
Now it's been a long time since I cried because of losing a chess game - have I ever, Geoff? Nik? Michael? - and most people present probably didn't get that I wasn't crying because I lost a chess game, but I was crying because four games of crap chess in a row definitely meant that I am losing brain function, not just having a bad run. And chess players, as a general stereotype, probably aren't always emotionally aware powerhouses - as evidenced by the guy who saw that I was crying and immediately left without saying anything - in such a rush that he left his wallet behind. Smooth. (Actually, probably just trying to be tactful. Be fair.) Either way, I made a noodlehead of myself in public and now people think I cry over losing chess games. (Ironically my chess has fractionally improved since that day.)
We are slowly getting settled into the new place. We still have some unpacking to do, but there's no real rush (the spare room door shuts, after all.) We had Em's birthday party here yesterday - and yes, in the city of Level Five water restrictions, it rained, prompting a last minute rush into the carport. But everyone seemed to have a good time, so I will cautiously say that my first foray into children's birthday parties seems to be a qualified success.
Chemo starts again tomorrow. It doesn't seem to be following the usual cycle - once crap week, one immuno-suppressed week and one good week. It seems to be okayish most of the time with every third day or so just feeling completely chemocrap and bone-wearyingly exhausted. But none of the major potential side effects either. It's not really possible to tell whether the fatigue and pain are due to the chemo, the Avastin, or the progression of the cancer itself.
Anyway, I'm feeling much more settled and much happier. My appetite is sporadic, so I'm unfortunately still losing weight, but I have learnt a few things.
1) I feel better and less nauseous if I actually eat something.
2) Rice with soy sauce has the same effect as smith's BBQ chips without the rubbishness.
3) Mi-goreng 2 minute noodles are the bomb. They have no nutritional value, but they're loaded with calories, which is good for not losing weight. Pity they are so nutritionally void.
Unfortunately I haven't yet worked out how to overcome my taste buds' aversion to veges, especially green ones. I think it's time to get back on the juice train. It's very unhealthy to not eat meat or veges. Although if I think about it, I'm still eating a reasonable amount of veges. Just not as much as I would like to be. I might go have a corn on the cob now. Better go now before I change my mind again.
Oh well, it's not like Jason is ever going to need to go out at 3am to get me bbq chips with nutella NOW because I'm pregnant and craving weird food. Actually, that sounds really good right now. I guess this is kinda like being pregnant - constantly nauseous with really weird appetite. But with better legs.
Anyway, I'm also going to try and post more often. Apparently that's the first rule of successful blogging. Post frequently and consistently. Not sporadically and either really long or really short.
By the way, I am gagging to know - who in Israel reads my blog? Please drop me a line and let me know who you are... I'm so curious! (Yes, I have new hit counting software. It's cool.)
God bless you, every one. (Please say out loud in a Tiny Tim voice.)
Much love,
Jessie
And if you're on chemo, chances are that even if you have cake for breakfast, your legs are still as hot as mine. Thus also we see the great joys of premature menopause - all weight gain goes straight to your belly. So that you lose weight from all over (thus the awesome legs), and regain it solely round your middle. You take your wins with your losses. And my legs are pretty awesome right now. Fashion is currently sufficiently crap to be promoting the maternity tent look. Wins all round.
Let's say it together: "Phwoar."
So how am I? Mostly crap. Sometimes pretty good. But mostly crap. Unfortunately my fatigue levels are just enormous. I sleep 14 hours a night, plus a nap if possible. If I get this, I'm usually not too bad. I feel okay, and while still tired, I can get things done. If I don't get this much sleep, I can't function at all.
In a bit of pain, on and off. Mostly in my neck; the tumours there are now visible just by looking at me. Think lopsided hunchback (allowing room for my bad habit of exaggeration).
Actually, just go to http://picasaweb.google.com.au/jessicaannehorton (or click here) to see all the photos I'm gradually putting online. The good news is all the wedding photos are up! The bad news is you know perfectly well how slow I am at doing anything like this... but I am trying... (very trying.)
A lot of the lag has been because this blog needs to be under my old identity as Jessica Disteldorf, which has now changed since I married. Everything (including all the photos) are under my married name and I can't just sync in with my old name. But I do have a solution, but it will take time... In the meantime, I'll just provide the link.
And I think that things have finally settled down for us! The next couple of weeks do not involve any major activities that require lots of planning. I can sleep 16 hours a day and still get the things I want to get done done. And see people.
I had one of those Embarassing Public Display of Emotion a week or so ago. I'm still playing chess every week, mostly as a chance to hang out with my chess friends, but also to feel like I'm using my brain every now and again. Unfortunately, my brain has finally started to feel the results of the (yes, very successful and worth it) stereotactic surgery and whole brain radiation. I no longer have any sign of any brain tumours; it was worth it. But I do have a much reduced attention span, my memory has gone a bit sporadic and I forget words. Like that thing that you put plugs into when you need more plugs. I also have trouble with names. (Actually, that may or may not be true, I was pretty sucky with them before it, but I have an excuse now.) But it is kinda depressing that for someone whose intelligence is such an integral part of who I am and so central to my ego, it's really depressing to know that I'm not quite as switched on as I used to be. And after playing badly in this tournament for the last couple of rounds, I completely and utterly bollocked up a chess game. We are talking multiple passed pawns in a knight endgame, and then losing AFTER I've queened. LOSING, not drawing. And then my opponent told me that he and the guys had been talking about me and how good a player I was. (Emphasis on the was - I used to be okay.)
Now it's been a long time since I cried because of losing a chess game - have I ever, Geoff? Nik? Michael? - and most people present probably didn't get that I wasn't crying because I lost a chess game, but I was crying because four games of crap chess in a row definitely meant that I am losing brain function, not just having a bad run. And chess players, as a general stereotype, probably aren't always emotionally aware powerhouses - as evidenced by the guy who saw that I was crying and immediately left without saying anything - in such a rush that he left his wallet behind. Smooth. (Actually, probably just trying to be tactful. Be fair.) Either way, I made a noodlehead of myself in public and now people think I cry over losing chess games. (Ironically my chess has fractionally improved since that day.)
We are slowly getting settled into the new place. We still have some unpacking to do, but there's no real rush (the spare room door shuts, after all.) We had Em's birthday party here yesterday - and yes, in the city of Level Five water restrictions, it rained, prompting a last minute rush into the carport. But everyone seemed to have a good time, so I will cautiously say that my first foray into children's birthday parties seems to be a qualified success.
Chemo starts again tomorrow. It doesn't seem to be following the usual cycle - once crap week, one immuno-suppressed week and one good week. It seems to be okayish most of the time with every third day or so just feeling completely chemocrap and bone-wearyingly exhausted. But none of the major potential side effects either. It's not really possible to tell whether the fatigue and pain are due to the chemo, the Avastin, or the progression of the cancer itself.
Anyway, I'm feeling much more settled and much happier. My appetite is sporadic, so I'm unfortunately still losing weight, but I have learnt a few things.
1) I feel better and less nauseous if I actually eat something.
2) Rice with soy sauce has the same effect as smith's BBQ chips without the rubbishness.
3) Mi-goreng 2 minute noodles are the bomb. They have no nutritional value, but they're loaded with calories, which is good for not losing weight. Pity they are so nutritionally void.
Unfortunately I haven't yet worked out how to overcome my taste buds' aversion to veges, especially green ones. I think it's time to get back on the juice train. It's very unhealthy to not eat meat or veges. Although if I think about it, I'm still eating a reasonable amount of veges. Just not as much as I would like to be. I might go have a corn on the cob now. Better go now before I change my mind again.
Oh well, it's not like Jason is ever going to need to go out at 3am to get me bbq chips with nutella NOW because I'm pregnant and craving weird food. Actually, that sounds really good right now. I guess this is kinda like being pregnant - constantly nauseous with really weird appetite. But with better legs.
Anyway, I'm also going to try and post more often. Apparently that's the first rule of successful blogging. Post frequently and consistently. Not sporadically and either really long or really short.
By the way, I am gagging to know - who in Israel reads my blog? Please drop me a line and let me know who you are... I'm so curious! (Yes, I have new hit counting software. It's cool.)
God bless you, every one. (Please say out loud in a Tiny Tim voice.)
Much love,
Jessie
posted by Jessie at 3:45 pm
4 Comments:
Hi Jess.
If it would make you feel any better, please come over for a game of chess. You are on a sure winner to beat me!! Who cares what people thought. So what! Go back quickly for another game and I bet they line up someone easy for you. On a serious note, you could lose 90% of your intelligence and still be smarter than most people.(Maybe you should move to Caboolture, every day will be a smart day!) Plus,we'll all still be here when you forget our names but we'll never forget yours. Your wedding photo's are beautiful! I know, cause I have just looked through both albums! Glad you hear you have the sexist legs in town!! Love the pic! From Sharyn
p.s. Shoes (and shirts) are optional at the shopping centre here. Come as you are!
Hiya Jess!
Thanks for your post, as there are in fact many more people than you may realise watching and hoping for you; that you will keep living life to the full, and that you will stay with us for us much precious time as we are privileged to have you here in this world.
GREAT wedding photos. You look really really beautiful and princess-ly.
Now, as for the chess:
Chess is simply a game with potential pitfalls on every move, a balancing act if you will, and to play it well with minimal error requires a combination of clearheadedness, ruthlessness, and above all, sustained concentration. Therefore, for anyone to not understand that it's truly a triumph of spirit and determination that you are simply playing a bit, given what you're dealing with, would be to show a severe lack of social intelligence.
Of course it sucks, and hurts the brain's pride when unfortunate `meltdowns' occur, but let me assure you that it is very important that NOONE links chess results with OVERALL brain function. Rather, good chess performance, in my experience, is all about the functioning of a PARTICULAR part of brain function; a part for which only the right combination of energy, nerves, and sense of enjoyment combined with constant vigilance can yield the desired results.
So, it is natural to sometimes be a bit upset when the brain `misfires', and it happens to every person on this planet from time-to-time, regardless of health or current life pressures. So Jess, let me finish by just saying that I'm so proud of you just trying to play a game, especially at this time, that many, many people find too hard to play at the level that you can. If I was there I would have a few sharp words to say to any who speak of your past performances relative to now, in such a way as you described.
So DON'T WORRY, and only play when you want to, just for the sheer pleasure of solving problems and creating plans, and to heck with the results and to any ignorant people!
Love from those in Japan that know you and know of you,
Nik
Can I also add, with regard to the particular brain function I mentioned, that some people devote too much time and energy to the pursuit of that ideal state of performance (not just in chess), and that there's so many amazing things in this life, that everyone should do as you have done (leading by example) and just get out there and live life to the fullest, love to the fullest, give and care to the fullest and learn all that we can, emotionally, culturally, scientifically, and spiritually. Now I shall get off this computer, get out there and follow my own advice.
Have a great week, Jess!
Jess, I am glad you can eat something and not feel guilty, but I DO NOT know how you can eat cake for breakfast!! That would be enough to make me feel nauseous at the best of times.
Love Marion
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