Moving Day

So today is my last day in Sydney. I am all packed and ready to go. And it has been one of the most miserable weeks of my life.

It's time to come clean. A couple of weeks before surgery back in November, Richard announced that he no longer wanted to be with me. The reasons are very complex, but ultimately, he's not happy, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me, and therefore spending the rest of my life with me would be based on a lie. So we have spent the months since then transitioning to a friendship rather than a relationship, with considerable success (although I'd like to take credit for that for being so fucking mature about it all).

So as if it's not enough that I'm dying, I'm now dying alone. I feel like the chance to build a deep, meaningful relationship has now passed me by - I'm not exactly a great catch anymore. I'm sick, going to get sicker, can't have children and ultimately probably going to die young. Bring on the men.

Yes, my heart's breaking, but most days are actually okay. This is the main reason I'm moving to Brisbane - to make a clean break with Richard so that we can actually be friends without having to live in the same apartment, and to be closer to my family who actually love me unconditionally, not just when life is good and easy (bitter, me?).

I don't want to make Richard the villain in this piece. Yes, he's leaving, but his reasons are valid, I understand and accept them, and he has done an extremely good job of an extremely bad situation. One of the reasons it has taken so long before we make the final 'split' is because he continued to support me throughout my surgery and recovery and radiation. He is, and will continue to be, an extremely close and supportive friend. He's just not my life partner anymore.

So basically, packing up my life has been miserable. People keep telling me to do what I want to do, but the truth is, I don't want to do any of it. I don't want to have chemo, I don't want to break up with Rich, I don't want any part of it. I just want to turn back the clock a year and have my old happy life back. And I just can't do that. Life has marched on, regardless on what I want, and I have to march with it, making the best of what God has given me. And He has been very good to me, something I haven't lost sight of. He has sent me wonderful friends and family to support me, particularly my mama, who is again leaving her life in Mackay to come and care for me in Brisbane. I'm actually quite excited about moving to Brissie with Mama again - she is an awesome flatmate and we have a good time together.

So I fly up to Brisbane this afternoon, where Mama is already waiting for me. We are staying in a motel provided by the Leukaemia Foundation for a couple of weeks while we wait for a unit or a house to become available. If none does, then we'll make other plans. The Foundation has been wonderful again. I have a day of tests on Thursday, and then I get a port-a-cath inserted on Monday. I start chemo again on Tuesday, so hopefully a week to get my mind in the right space will be enough.

I have also started a journal, and am currently contemplating becoming more efficient and simply converting this blog to my journal. It will make the blog much more boring, but it will mean more posts more often and streamline processes to make them more effiecient! Anyway, I'm still thinking about it, because if I know I'm going ot post them straight away, I might be more restrained in my writing, something I don't want to do.

Either way, I will post again soon, probably before chemo - next time from Brisbane!

Much love,

Jess