Still sucks, frankly
Yup, still sucks. Would love to say I'm feeling so much better but it would be a big fat lie. Physically, I am feeling slightly better - at least I'm not vomiting constantly and I have something that vaguely resembles an appetite. Primarily for rice and soy sauce, but it's a start. Yes, I'm skinny now. Yee-ha. I thought I'd be a bit more happy about that, but I'm having trouble caring about a lot of things now.
That's my main problem at the moment. I don't have the energy to care about anything. I wake up and lie in bed trying to summon up the energy to get out. Then I sit on the couch and let my sainted mama make me breakfast and look after me. I'll read, but that's about it. I don't have the energy to even draw or organise my paperwork or anything. I am a big fat giant slug of a thing.
It's partly fatigue, partly depression, partly goodness only knows what. I'm just buggered. It's such an effort to do anything - little things like getting my sunglasses out of my bag when it's bright seem like too much effort because I'll need to put them away again, and it's just easier to close my eyes.
I just feel so uninspired. I feel like I'm marking time until I die, and can't even do anything constructive with my life because that would require energy, and I just don't have any. I hope this is only temporary.
People visiting cheer me up, take my mind off things, although I feel like such a blob with no intelligent conversation. Please come and see me even if I'm not very animated. It really does help.
At the moment I can't seem to get physically comfortable. My lower back aches, my leg aches and nowhere I sit or stand or lie can get me comfortable. I fidget constantly and I am just really restless. I can't relax. I'm reducing my pain medication so I'm probably detoxing from a minor morphiate addiction. If it's this bad when it's controlled I understand why people sell their bodies for heroin and don't try to get off it.
I am getting a lot of comfort spiritually. I went to the local Baptist church down the road from the motel and the pastor their is a great speaker, and there was a good, happy vibe. He came to visit me in hospital and the church has already started praying for me. It's good to feel part of a community again. And I'm growing a lot through my daily studies and prayer time, and getting so much comfort. My faith is the main thing that keeps me going at the moment, and it's the only area that I feel like I'm growing as a person while I'm so slug-like. Although I do feel guilty that I'm still depressed and slug-like when I should be grateful for the many many blessings in my life. And I am grateful, I'm just a little lost at the moment. God has been very good to me.
Amazingly, I feel so much better after my big whinge. Thank you everyone just for listening - I'm always amazed at how many people actually read this blog! I do feel better having got it all off my chest - I'm sorry to be so depressing, but I needed to say it all so that I would feel better. And thank you everyone for your comments - they make me feel like people are listening and sharing this journey and it helps to feel a bit less alone.
Although while I have my amazing, indefatiguable mama with me I know I'll never be alone. Even I, the verbose and over-sharing one, lack the words to talk about my wonderful mama. Dave is coming down for the Australia Day long weekend so that will be a time of rejuvenation for her. I'm sure she needs it - looking after a slug must be very emotionally draining.
Much love to you all.
Jess
That's my main problem at the moment. I don't have the energy to care about anything. I wake up and lie in bed trying to summon up the energy to get out. Then I sit on the couch and let my sainted mama make me breakfast and look after me. I'll read, but that's about it. I don't have the energy to even draw or organise my paperwork or anything. I am a big fat giant slug of a thing.
It's partly fatigue, partly depression, partly goodness only knows what. I'm just buggered. It's such an effort to do anything - little things like getting my sunglasses out of my bag when it's bright seem like too much effort because I'll need to put them away again, and it's just easier to close my eyes.
I just feel so uninspired. I feel like I'm marking time until I die, and can't even do anything constructive with my life because that would require energy, and I just don't have any. I hope this is only temporary.
People visiting cheer me up, take my mind off things, although I feel like such a blob with no intelligent conversation. Please come and see me even if I'm not very animated. It really does help.
At the moment I can't seem to get physically comfortable. My lower back aches, my leg aches and nowhere I sit or stand or lie can get me comfortable. I fidget constantly and I am just really restless. I can't relax. I'm reducing my pain medication so I'm probably detoxing from a minor morphiate addiction. If it's this bad when it's controlled I understand why people sell their bodies for heroin and don't try to get off it.
I am getting a lot of comfort spiritually. I went to the local Baptist church down the road from the motel and the pastor their is a great speaker, and there was a good, happy vibe. He came to visit me in hospital and the church has already started praying for me. It's good to feel part of a community again. And I'm growing a lot through my daily studies and prayer time, and getting so much comfort. My faith is the main thing that keeps me going at the moment, and it's the only area that I feel like I'm growing as a person while I'm so slug-like. Although I do feel guilty that I'm still depressed and slug-like when I should be grateful for the many many blessings in my life. And I am grateful, I'm just a little lost at the moment. God has been very good to me.
Amazingly, I feel so much better after my big whinge. Thank you everyone just for listening - I'm always amazed at how many people actually read this blog! I do feel better having got it all off my chest - I'm sorry to be so depressing, but I needed to say it all so that I would feel better. And thank you everyone for your comments - they make me feel like people are listening and sharing this journey and it helps to feel a bit less alone.
Although while I have my amazing, indefatiguable mama with me I know I'll never be alone. Even I, the verbose and over-sharing one, lack the words to talk about my wonderful mama. Dave is coming down for the Australia Day long weekend so that will be a time of rejuvenation for her. I'm sure she needs it - looking after a slug must be very emotionally draining.
Much love to you all.
Jess
posted by Jessie at 6:22 pm
6 Comments:
well if you're a slug you're the greatest one that ever walked the face of the earth. Be encouraged with the knowledge that ALL things happen for a reason (our pea brains acn not comprehend them)and that He has it all in the palm of His hands and you cradled in His arms. And we all have you YOU in our hearts & on our minds. love you long time jo-girl xoxox
Dear little girl - good on you for letting it all out. Far too many people think they have to keep it all inside to protect others from feeling bad, but if YOU are feeling bad, why shouldn't you be allowed to talk about it. That's healthy. It's a bloody hard slog and euphemisms won't make chemo easier to endure. As you said, you felt better for getting it all off your chest.
If you can verbalise your reality, then you can allow space for resilience to take hold again.
Hang in there and take care of you. Much love, Jane G. (Life Force)
Rich and Benny here, having a few beers. We hope you and Sus are having a good time!!!
Love Benny and Rich
Hello Jess
Not sure if you will remember us, we wrote to you, Amy, Rachael & Paula after you completed the ANZAC Commerative Tour back in 1999.
Also Roz & Mike have kept in constant contact with us since then and it was Mike who recently let me know that you weren't all that well and advised me to have a look at your website and after reading your story, it certainly reduced me to tears, but your strong mind-set, resilience and mental attitude is what I remember of you in the tape of the Presentation in the Mackay Gardens when you made that presentation to Amy Taylor, after you returned from that Tour.
Jess, we are thinking of you and praying for you and hopefully one day, we will be lucky enough to meet you.
Be strong always Jess.
Love
Coleen & Warren T xx
Dear Jess - we all have slug-like times - most of them without anywhere near the justification that you've got for having yours. So do what you need to do for you -and if that's having a rant on your blog then go for it. We're here thinking of you, take care gill xoxo
Hey Jess, having a down day? That's ok! At least you have a reason! We still love you anyway, so yell away. You can't scare us away. You can't be a fat slug if you are skinny. You have to be a skinny slug! I hope that you are feeling better soon and your energy levels increase. I will send you chocolate in the mail. Take Care and say Hi to your Mum from me.
Sharyn & Family
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