Cancer, cancer, yeah, yeah, yeah... somewhat otherwise engaged...

Jason thinks I should just start calling him TNF and then TNH and see if anyone notices... (I figure you're all smart enough to work out from my last post that TNM's name is Jason...)

So, I left Brisbane believing that my cancer was growing back somewhat more rapidly than hoped after the chemo. That said, my PET scan showed that the cancer is limited to the lymph nodes in my neck and an adrenal gland in my stomach somewhere - no spread to my lungs or liver or any other organs, and the big news is that there was absolutely no uptake in my brain - which means that the stereotactic radiosurgery and all the whole brain radiation was worth it! Hurrah! No motorbike, but no brain tumour either... all in all, a reasonable trade-off. (Although in Brad's book, tearing up $50s by a full moon would also have been a reasonable trade-off.)

But the downside was that after only two months post chemo the lymph nodes in my neck were not only huge (big enough to be felt) but painful as well. It was TNM's first Serious Face Conversation with a doctor, and unfortunately the comment 'once you start having symptoms it will be a matter of weeks' did not pass him by...

However, I have heard many such non-positive things from several of my doctors here in Brisbane who do not know much about my cancer. There is only one doctor who has done the research and spoken with overseas colleagues and can knowledgeably pass comment (although he is often reluctant to). The fact is, what I have is just too rare to make predictions like how long - everything from here on is pure extrapolation.

Anyway, the point is we went to Sydney to talk to the doctor who knows the mostest. And he looked at the scans and said that it was fantastic that there was so little growth everywhere else. And that in fact, the growth in the lymph nodes and adrenals was not actually that fast, it was progressing quite normally, he was happy with that progression. Further, there are more options to treat this growth - there have been some advances in chemo delivery in the past couple of years so there are new options for me (oral Etopocide and weekly Taxol). More importantly from my point of view, there is no rush to do the chemo - I don't think I could face more chemo on top of the radiation side effects. Chemo can be done in a couple of months when I'm starting to experience some real problems.

So where am I? Growth of tumours is normal (stupid word). Not too fast, but not as slow as we would obviously like. I am still having some radiation after-effects - I'm very tired and sleep a lot (if there's no stimulus to wake up, I will naturally keep sleeping till 10 at the moment). Plus my poxy hair fell out again and is giving no sign that it is planning on growing back. In and out of pain from the lymph nodes, so on and off pain medication. Which kinda sucks. But no need for more treatment for a couple of months, or until I start having more problems than just a bit of fatigue and manageable pain. So I can just enjoy the next couple of months.

Which is a good thing, because something else happened in Sydney as well...

Jason has asked me to be his wife.

The last couple of months have been one of the happiest times in both our lives. Neither of us is a believer in love at first sight, but as Jason said when he proposed, he believes in a few things now that he didn't a couple of months ago. Our connection has been so strong from the very moment we met and has only strengthened and deepened as we fell in love. And we know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, however long they might be. (Longer is better, as a general rule of thumb though). To meet the man I want to be with at such an unlikely time is more of a blessing than I can possibly describe. Truly God looks into our hearts and sees our innermost desires and prayers.

So many people's first reactions has been to say what a wonderful thing he is doing. And yes, it takes a truly strong and amazing man to love me and stand by me and share this tumultuous journey. But as he says, he's not doing this out of pity. (His language is slightly stronger and slightly more outraged at the suggestion.) He is so happy. Being with me also makes him happy. As he says, he's doing this out of selfish reasons. He already thinks it's been worth it.

And that's the greatest gift he's given me - not that he's going to marry me, or that 'he knows what he's getting himself into' or any ridiculous pity notion - but he believes I still have something to give. It wasn't the fear of being alone that really scared me (how can I, with the Four Fs behind me - I am already so blessed) but the fear of no longer being able to love, support and contribute to others. I still have plenty to give. I still have a tremendous capacity to love. And now I have a man strong enough to receive and return that love. I have a partner on this journey.

And Jason comes complete with another blessing - Emily. Jason has a beautiful six-year old daughter. She's gorgeous, affectionate, feisty and has an attitude to match her daddy's (part of the reason I fell in love with him...) To be part of such a family is so much more than I dared to dream would still be open to me.

I am so very happy. And so blessed. And so quietly thankful. Truly we might not always understand God's plans at the time, but he is the Master Potter, and his work is breathtaking. We just need to trust in him and his plans. And I am so thankful that I did. His blessings in my life are so rich.

Thank you for sharing the troubled waters of my journey. I hope you'll join me on some of the more beautiful scenery and serene waters as well!

May God bless you as much as you bless my life.

With so much love,

Jessie