Thought for the Day (We're down to one or two these days...)

A thought today, no real information about how I am (not too bad, thanks for asking. Plodding along).

We went to a movie on Sunday, Jason, Em and I. We wanted to see the Water Horse but it wasn't at a suitable time so Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium was the one chosen.

Em quite liked the movie, but was far more concerned about the absence of junk food in her lap.

I absolutely loved the movie.

And for the same reason that I loved the movie, it saddened Jason.

Mr Magorium, after a couple of centuries of running his magical Wonder Emporium toy shop, decides that it's time for him to move on. To leave. To die, is the word that no one is ready to use. His assistant Molly (to whom he plans to leave the Emporium) certainly cannot accept this and goes to great lengths to talk him out of moving on.

The trouble is, Mr Magorium is more than ready. He has done all he wants to do in this life, and he is ready for the next stage of his journey. He is blissfully happy with his life and achievements, thankful for all the joy it has contained and is ready for the next stage. So am I.

Molly is not. Jason is not. And they have the harder jobs - that of staying. Of keeping going. Of holding on.

In the meantime, if I want to talk about the next part of my journey, it saddens everyone. I am in this unique position in my circle of family and friends. And I don't want to sadden anyone. I already feel guilty about having the easy part.

I will be truly gone when no one holds me in their heart; when no one remembers me and when no one thinks of me. When there is no one left to love me, that is when I will truly be gone. Love will ALWAYS find me as long as you hold me in your heart.

Thank you for making my life so happy that ironically I am ready to embark on the next stage of the journey.
Thank you for all the joy that is in my life because of you.
Thank you for loving me.

May the Lord bless you and keep you, let his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord look upon you kindly and give you peace.

May you know the tremendous peace that God has placed in my heart.

With much love and gratitude,

Jessie xoxoxox

PS Oh, and really - I'm not too bad. I've just re-read this post and it sounds a bit like a goodbye post, but it was really just a thought I had about people being in completely different places and thus interpreting things like movies in completely different ways.

Add a 38.8 degree temperature to that list...

And you get pneumonia.

On Wednesday the pain was unbearable, the nausea terrible and I had a temperature. Time to go in to HOCA. In a display of superb timing, my doctor is on holidays and this also happens to be the week-long window that I have to get medical certificates from my doctors to continue receiving TTD benefits.

I'm still on radiation (at a different hospital) as well.

Anyway, I am admitted into the Mater with suspected pneumonia. It's Amy's going away party on Friday, I have a girly sleepover on Saturday but the words pneumonia are pretty good at shutting me up.

They hike up my painkiller levels, try a new drug to treat nerve pain and pump me full of intravenous anti-biotics. Thursday I feel SO much better.

Top Five Things About Staying in Hospital (It was originally 10 but I couldn't come up with enough):
5. You get a newspaper every day.
4. You get a Homer Simpson bed ('Bed goes up, bed goes down...')
3. They have blanket warmers so you get a warm blanket whenever you're cold.
2. There's a button to push to summon someone when you want something (usually a warm blanket).
1. You can stay in bed all day and no one thinks you're being lazy.

I'm not even going to bother writing the list of the Crappest Million Things About Staying in Hospital. Especially when it's a flower-free ward.

I'm still on radiation, so Jason had to drive me to the Wesley every day for that (after they disconnected me from the drip.

Unfortunately, in the mornings, I'm finding it really hard to wake up and stay awake. Almost impossible. My eyes just keep closing. Side effect of a lot of the painkillers.

And the nausea is still really bad. I also have pleurisy in my left ribs which is causing huge amounts of pain whenever I breathe in. The doctors assure me that it will wear off.

In the meantime, I am the proud owner of an oxygen machine and an oxygen tank. It has a very long tube though so I can sit in the lounge or lie in bed or whatever. I don't need to use it all the time, but it helps with my cough and I feel much better after re-oxygenising. They sell this stuff on the Gold Coast and in Tokyo for $10/10 minutes!

So that's where I've been all week. Thank you to everyone who came to visit - sorry I was pretty dopey most of the time. Thank you to all the girls who came to recreate the sleepover in hospital anyway!

I hope you are all well... God bless.

Much love,

Jessie

Wife Wot Waddles

Conversation between Mr and Mrs Horton today:

Mrs Horton: "Darling, your wife waddles."
Mr Horton: "That's okay, I don't mind. As long as she doesn't yodel."***

(I realise that this is probably a very disturbing insight into our relationship for most people...)

I started radiation on my pelvic bone and hip bone, as well as the lumps in my neck. Apparently when you radiate bones, it's really really painful for the first couple of nights. They're not bloody wrong. I'm in agony.

Sources of pain:
- Right leg. I can't lift my right thigh without a lot of pain.
- Lower back. Massive bone pain in my spine. Thus the waddling.
- Shoulders. Pain in lumps. Pain across all shoulders.
- General aching. Moving hurts. I move like an 80-year old woman.

The other drawback to being in pain (apart from being in pain) is that I have to take a lot of painkillers to get rid of some of the pain. Which puts me in the fug that I absolutely hate. I think I've whinged about the fug quite a bit.

Anyway, I hope that the pain from the radiation will settle down soon. On the plus side, the lumps in my neck seem to be less red and swollen. So it seems to be working.

Just an update as to where I am. (Nowhere very nice.)

God bless.

Much love,

Jessie xoxoxo


***At this point Mrs Horton pulls the cord on her Cowgirl Jessie doll and she yodels. Sadly, this story is true. By the way, MJ, I put Cowgirl Jessie in with all of Em's toys and teddies and she gave her back to me on the weekend, telling me she was yodelling in the middle of the night. That doll is definitely haunted.

I am in Flow...

By the simple expedient of doubling my pain killers, I am feeling so much better. I think the problem was that I was using old patches that no longer had any potency. It has made me realise just how much background pain I would be in if I wasn't taking pain killers.

Anyway, the drawback is of course that the parallel universe that exists when I close my eyes is back. I am learning to not speak immediately after waking up after any of my hundreds of micronaps throughout the day - "Careful, the animals are on the edge of the mattress" does make you sound crazy. And I'm not - I just fall into a groggy doze very very easily. Ie any time I'm sitting down for a period of more than 30 seconds. Buses are dangerous - I can end up anywhere at the moment.

But, I feel good, and I can gradually decrease the painkillers.

In fact, I'm probably a little bit manic - doing everything at speed and constantly doing SOMETHING. I can live with that. I feel like I'm getting things done during the day and that makes me feel good.

I'm actually enjoying a pressure-free January - no Christmas or any big event looming that I must prepare for. Just radiation everyday which is pretty cruisy. (Oh yeah, did I mention we were doing a couple of weeks radiation? Should help with the lumps in my neck and some of the bones in my leg and pelvis.)

Also spending a lot of time with Amy - as much as possible. She is off on her big trip around the world for a year or two with Dave. They leave on Australia Day. She and I are going away for a day or two just before they go. I'm terrified of saying goodbye to her.

Otherwise, I am in Flow. Things are working the way they are supposed to. I am very very happy.

Thank you for your love and support over this past bad week. And thank you Lord for being there every moment as well. I am never alone.

I am, however, much loved. Thank you for the happy flowers! I love happy flowers.

Next post will probably be a whinge again :) What a roller-coaster this is.

I am loved; I am blessed. May you feel as loved and blessed as I. May God bless you as richly as he does me.

WIth great love,

Jessie xoxoxo

I am not well.

I am not well, and I haven't been well for a couple of weeks. This explains my quietness. This is only a short post, since I have to go into the hospital in a minute, but I wanted to let you know why it's been so long since I've posted.

I'm not well.

Various problems: pain, nausea, constipation, the heat, low energy - it all just combines to make life difficult.

I am trying to take it easy and not beat myself up about anything. Please forgive me if I don't answer calls or texts - I will eventually.

I start more radiation on Wednesday - the lumps in my neck are getting enormous, not to mention painful. Only ten fractions, so two weeks, then I go back to the chemo and Avastin.

I spent yesterday lying on the floor of the waiting room in tears because I was in so much pain. There is not much dignity down there.

Feeling a little better today, but I need to be clear - I definitely have bad times as well. Now is one of them. Please be patient with me.

I am trying very hard to practice what I preach and trust one hundred percent in God. And in sending me Jason He has blessed me beyond measure. My family is also wonderful.

I cried and cried and cried yesterday because I wanted to take Timmy shooting for his Christmas present, but was in so much pain I had to go to hospital instead. I felt like I was letting him down and it was something I had so much wanted to do with him. Dad and Richelle took him anyway, and he had a great time - he came over afterwards to tally the score - but it was so much something I wanted to do WITH him. Timmy is such a good kid, and he has been so supportive of Mama while she supports me. I will take him shooting at Easter.

Anyway, just letting you know that life isn't always beer and skittles, and that I'm going through a rough patch.

I hope you are all well.

May God bless you, and may you be able to see God's blessings even when it's foggy.

Much love,

Jessie xoxoox