On survival...

Only a few months ago, I had survivor-guilt. Why me? Why did I survive? Why did I get a second chance when so many others needed it more?

Now I have survivor-envy. Although that's not really accurate. I'm not envious of survivors. I'm mad at the way society portrays survivors.

Don't get me wrong. I used to be a survivor. And it's very easy to do, to glorify the whole "I'm a survivor" thing. It feels like a great achievement, everyone is impressed at such a great achievement. To be a survivor is to be a hero.

But what is the thing that we worship about 'survivorhood'? It's the fact that a survivor has cheated death. Plain and simple. When it comes down to it, we are all so utterly terrified of death that cheating death has become the ultimate achievement.

But guess what? WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when. And how. A good life is not measured in how long we've lived. He who dies the oldest, does not necessarily win.

Why are we so afraid of death? It is inevitable, we will all do it someday. Why then can we not accept that it will one day happen, and incorporate it into our lives, our aiua, our souls, our selves?

Why is Lance Armstrong, who cheated death, a hero? Why is Dana Reeve, who supported her husband and family, as well as doing great things to raise the profile of quadriplegia, before dying of her cancer, a tragedy? Surely her life is amazing, something to be celebrated? Why then, is it that just because she did not live to be an old woman, her life was tragically cut short? Didn't she fill more into her life in her forty or fifty odd years than many people do in their eighty, or ninety, or a hundred and twenty?

Does it really matter how long we live? Surely the most important thing is how we've lived. Whether we've achieved what we wanted to achieve with our lives. Whether we've become the people we want to be. Whether we have loved, and are loved.

When people tell me that it's a tragedy that I'm going to die young, I hear them saying that my life so far hasn't been enough. That I haven't achieved anything. That what I've done so far isn't worth anything, and the fact that I won't get to do more is tragic.

Bullshit.

I have proved my intelligence. I have an excellent education and the makings of a fine career. I have travelled and seen the world. I have a sense of social justice. I have a faith. And most importantly, I have people in my life. I have an amazing family, all of whom I'm close to. I have a large and varied group of friends. I have the love of a good man, who I am extremely priveleged to share my life with. And it is in these people that my life's achievements are found. I am worthy enough that they love me. I am complete enough to love them too. I am open enough to have learnt from them. I have learnt enough to teach them too.

And that's not bad for a life's work. And as I learn more about life, and love, and death, I will grow more, and have more to teach. So in many ways, my life's work is just beginning. I hope you'll join me on my journey. My tragedy-free journey.

Les resultas

Howdy troops.

I've been edgy for the past fortnight leading up to today's scan. Yesterday and today I was convinced that the scan would be bad. I've been really tightly wound up for quite a while now.

The scan went fine, no dramas, except my poor little 'good' vein is definitely on its last legs. I will have a bit of a problem when it dies.

The scan was clean - no sign of growth or spread in the lymph nodes, and only fractional (if at all) growth of the left ovary tumour. So it's still holding steady, or at worst, growing very slowly.

(That's good news.)

To tell the whole complete truth, I had been sort of hoping that the damn thing would just start growing and be done with it. Then I can just get on with the whole process. I haven't mastered the art of living with it yet.

But on the other hand, I definitely want as long as possible, so I need to learn to live with it. That's my challenge now. Learn to live with it hanging over me so that it doesn't consume my entire life and every waking thought like it does now. Learn to live with it.

I need to keep a list of things to do that help me regain my serenity and peace. Massage is an excellent (if expensive) means. So is meditation, and running away to read in a cafe. So is going for a walk. Chips are not.

So, learning to live with it. I can do this. Strength and serenity (my new motto, if you're interested).

I'm off to the snow tomorrow. I going to try to get through the entire weekend without talking about cancer a single time.

Back in the game

It's been quite a while since my last post. Since I've gone back to work (about five weeks ago), I don't have anywhere near the same amount of time for blogging as I used to. But I miss it. So I will make a bit of a concerted effort to get back into it.

Although, truth be told, not much is happening right now. I'm back at work, and we're trying to make life go back to as normal as possible.

Although, while I'm throwing around phrases like truth be told, we're failing pretty miserably. It's so hard to live 'normally' with something like this hanging over our heads. But we are trying, and hopefully time will make it easier to do.

I'm really glad I went back to work, but at the same time, it's really tough. I use a lot of emotional energy being 'normal' at work, so I'm completely emotionally exhausted in the evenings and on the weekends. I also don't have time to unwind, or do things just for me. So that's really hard. It's also hard on Rich, because I spend all my emotional energy being normal and fine at work, so that when I come home, I'm spent and fractious and irritable. Plus I have nothing left to give and support him, and this is all at least as hard for him as it is for me.

So I am trying to do something about this. Any suggestions? I've started booking myself in for semi-regular massages. The problem seems to be the evenings - between seven o'clock, when I get home, and nine o'clock, when I need to be in bed (yes, I need nine hours of sleep to function), there is barely enough time to cook and eat, let alone do some exercise AND relax! So very open to any suggestions.

I've also got a bit of a 'fuck it, I'm dying' mentality, which means I've put on four kilos and I'm drinking too much on Friday nights. Trying to get out of this mentality, but it's difficult to say no to chocolate or chips or champagne - the whole 'keep yourself healthy' thing just doesn't seem to matter anymore. But this is definitely something I want to change - I'm telling you about it here so that in a few weeks I can post again and say that I've lost that extra weight and I'm not drinking at all!

On the plus side, I am doing some things I want to do. I've got my motorcycle learner's permit now, and this afternoon I'm off to a skills development course (on a closed road, I'm not ready for traffic yet!) to get a bit more experience on the road. It's something I've always wanted to do, and while I'm still getting a bit of opposition from various people, I'm really glad I'm doing it.

The plan - tentatively:
Work and save money till March. In March we have two weddings to go to. Then we'll do our overseas tour (but only for two or three months). When we come back, we'll go back to work until the tumours are big enough for chemo. Then do chemo (when I'll stop working, and probably - at this stage - won't go back again). Eventually, we'll move up to Mackay so I can 'retire'.

I had my last scan six weeks ago, and it was fantastic - the tumours have not grown, if anything, they've shrunk. So that's brilliant. My next scan is on Thursday, so I'll keep you posted.

Thank you everyone who is still reading. I'm not very good with people at the moment (that lack of emotional energy thing), but I'm hoping that that will eventually change and I will get to spend lots of quality time with you all soon. The fact that you're all out there thinking of me means a lot to me.

That's about it for me for the moment... I promise it won't be as long until I post again!

Much love,

Jessie xoxox