Happy brithday!

And no, smartypantses, that is not a typo. That is how I used to say it as a child - I think it's what one of the mouses says to Cinderelly - the other mousie says 'No, no, stupid'. It's when she's all dressed up in her ball dress. Then again, it has been many years since I've seen the movie (Sophie doesn't own it, I think), and I may be making it all up and living in a fantasy world that only exists in my own head. Wouldn't be the first time.

And I know it's mice, not mouses. (I've gone all paranoid now that all my deliberate grammatical and orthographical deviations are now going to be laid at the door of ignorance or error. Although I have to admit, being a show-off with a big word and then finding out you spelled it wrong is really really dumb. Proverbs 16:18. Although if I'm going to quote that verse I shouldn't use words like orthographical. Even though I orthographically-checked.)

ANYWAY, happy brithday to me! I love brithdays. I always have. I'm not old enough for them to be a depressing thing yet - and I'll lay a motorbike on the fact that I never will be depressed about getting older on my birthday. (Take that, whingers.) I get that same childlike joy out of my brithday that I've always had.

Although I have to admit that I was a bit depressed the day before my birthday. Not about turning older, but I started reflecting on where I was the previous year, how happy I'd been, and how much easier my life had been. How carefree. How much more in line with what I had planned for my life. Because where I am now is certainly not what I planned for my life. This is not where I wanted to be. This is not where I want to be. And it doesn't look like anything I did plan for my life is going to happen. And that is very depressing.

But that brings me to the reason I love brithdays. I was not depressed at all on the actual day. I had the most amazing day yesterday. And you know why? Because I am so loved. And yesterday everyone showed it. I had six text messages before I even got out of bed. (Admittedly, a mixed blessing, that one.) I had so many calls I didn't get round to returning them all. (Sorry.) People took the time out of their busy schedules to send cards and presents and flowers. (Thank you Palace dwellers!) I went out to lunch with all the non-working layabouts I could rustle up and then out to dinner with my family and friends. I love brithdays because it's the day of the year that I feel most loved. Thank you all for making it so special.

So what did I do? I woke up to read lots of texts, but didn't actually bother getting out of bed till about nine (hey, it was my brithday! Oh alright, that's standard practice íf I'm not going to the hospital). There was a note from Mama saying that if she's not there, to go back to bed. I am a good, obedient daughter. I got up again when she got home. The kitchen was full of balloons - Ben had come home in the middle of the night, blown up balloons and gone out again. Mama had gone shopping - and I am now the proud owner of a very nice new watch. It even glows in the dark! Very excited. Mama had toyed with the idea of a smoked salmon breakfast, but knows me well enough at the moment that it's Fruity-Bix or it's Fruity-Bix. Then we toddled off to Dad and Beata's to pick up Beata and Sophie to go out for lunch. It was Sophie's first ride in the little yellow car (aka the Pimpmobile) and she was very excited. However, we got to the restaurant (my favourite Japanese restaurant at Southbank, Ginga)and Sophie was unimpressed to see a strangish man sitting at our table. Now Sophie does kinda know Michael, but last weekend Michael did the Shave for a Cure. And looks much meaner and scarier. I really like it. So Sophie sulked all lunchtime. Turns out later she was sick, as well.

After lunch I toddled off to the Korean bathhouse for a facial and a head massage... to find that not only had Bella (my therapist there and my friend) come in on her day off, but her present to me was a scrub and a massage as well! So I had a lovely two hours, and it was the first time ever that my head has had a facial. I'm sure it's very good for it.

For dinner we went up to Le Classic (sorry, no website, not that anyone really needs to actually follow my life quite that closely), which is a restaurant I used to go to with the French crew at uni. I haven't been for a long time, mostly due to an incident that occurred there, but I overcame my moral objections because the food is fantastic, the atmosphere is great and it is very French. Plus they serve foie gras, and I was adamant that that was what I wanted to eat on my brithday. ABC came, but were very discreet and didn't stay long at all. The food was great, the company was awesome, it was a wonderful night. Not quite so great for Dad and Beata, since Sophie started vomiting in the car on the way and did so repeatedly throughout the night. Good thing I carry sicky bags. They think she had a virus, or she's been eating too many lollies left over from her birthday, but I think she was just disrupting my brithday party cause it wasn't hers. (No reason sibling rivalry can't flourish even if there's twenty years gap between the two, and one of them should know better.)

So it was a wonderful day, and thank you to everyone for making it so.

All that aside, what else has been happening? Well, my last post was short and to the point - chemo was pretty sucky this cycle, but not too bad. Definitely nauseous, definitely tired, but I (and my steroids) now make sure I eat whether I want to or not, and having something in my tummy definitely makes the nausea more bearable. I got my needle on Wednesday, so had bone pain for the rest of the week. Started getting a temperature on Friday, but it didn't go above the danger mark. Still, I was absolutely exhausted and didn't make it to a Bullwinkle meeting (Bullwinkle is our chess club for cool people. No really.) Saturday I was still exhausted but rallied for Soph's party, which was a big success. Rest assured IOM, I will not be pursuing a career in facepainting, unless I can specialise in flowers (amorphous blobs), butterflies (a few lines around the eyes) or rainbows (now my rainbows were tops). Sunday we went to church, where I started getting some chest pains. HOCA (Haematology and Oncology Clinics of Australia - aka my other home) is shut on Sundays so I would have had to go through Emergency to get it checked out. So I ignored it. Always so sensible, me. Even had a lovely evening with Annette at the French Film Festival (typical French film - everyone started miserable and ended miserable, although it was the first French film I've seen in awhile where no one actually had sex.)

Anyway, I went in on Monday for my dressing change, which usually takes about an hour. Mentioned the chest pains, at which my doctor pointed out that I had had my picc line put in the previous week, and that there was 50cm of line in a vein pointing towards my heart. If I'm having chest pains it possibly means that blood clots could be forming in my lungs. (Oops. Should have dones something yesterday.) So off I toddle for a cardiopulmonary CT scan. Now I have CTs all the time. They're dead easy, apart from the teeny tiny matter of finding a vein. The veins in both elbows are now pretty much dead and buried. They don't work any more. They made two very painful attempts to get a line into my right wrist, and thankfully the second one worked. It was very painful though, and I have some lovely bruises. Anyway, there was no clot in the lungs (whew). The pain is probably just the old radiation damage, that I used to hold at bay by exercising every day. Now that I'm falling out of shape and losing aerobic fitness, I'm having the same breathing problems I used to have after my first surgery. Which is actually a very unencouraging thought, if those old problems are going to come back. It is very frightening and frustrating to not be able to take a full deep breath and for it hurt when you try. So I'm really disappointed? worried? not happy that that problem looks like it will eventually come back.

Although it could be worse, the dressing change usually happpens on a Tuesday so we changed the booking to Monday for this week. Otherwise I would have spent all of yesterday in hospital instead of all of Monday!

In other exciting news - I drove a car today! For the first time in six months, I am not under the influence of morphia! This does mean that my usual excuse for paraenthesistic problems is gone, but it also means I can drive a car! My neck is good enough, I'm not doping anymore... next week while I'm up in Mackay I'm going to check out motorcycles! I won't get cleared till I do the MRI (Monday) and see the doctor (after Easter), but doesn't mean I can't look!

And we all know I'm a media tart, but here's a little snippet for those of you who can't wait for the ABC... just don't tell them I'm moonlighting. HOCA was shooting a promotional video to lure unsuspecting English nurses over to Australia for people like me to puke on, and asked me to be a good little sick patient. Check it out. It also gives you a look at where I spend most of my time and what it all looks like!

Now, there is a bit of a dogfight going on as to which Michael posted the 'gambolling like a fat spring lamb' comment. There are currently two claiming ownership. I'm currently going for Michael J, but Michael VP is adamant that was his. Unless Michael F, you'd like to throw your hat in the ring from England as well? I do love a good stoush.

Now that is an epic post, so I'm going to leave it there.

Thanks again for making my brithday special. I love you all.

God bless,

Jess xoxox

PS. Remember, vote Jessica Disteldorf for the next PussyCat Doll!

Usual chemo story

Nauseous, tired, all my bones feel like hot pokers, even the little ones in my neck, cheek and ears.

In other words, completely normal.

This too, will pass.

Interactive opportunity!

You may notice that I've fiddled around with some of my blog, adding some links and a 'summary' of the blog.

However, I'm not really happy with the description of my blog. I was thinking that you, my loyal readers, are probably in a better position to write a description of the blog. So I thought we could have a competition!

The description is that thing up the top, under the title. I would be very interested to hear your take on the blog - so please submit your version of what you think the description should be!

And for those of you who are not creative, please submit suggestions for the prize! (I'm currently thinking a tube of condensed milk, a packet of Smith's BBQ chips, a box of Fruity Bix and a year's supply of Physical Skim milk.)

Looking forward to hearing your creative efforts! (By the way, the word parenthesis - no matter how it's spelled - will get bonus points.)

Proper post below.

Princesses and Polish sausages

Okay, after the last post's rather humiliating experience - always check spelling before overusing a word, folks - I am definitely feeling rather womblish (which I know is spelt right because I invented it).

On the plus side, today I am basking in adoration at being bestest big sister ever, because for young Soph's fourth birthday, not only did I paint her nails pink, but I also presented her with not one, not two, but three new fairy princess outfits! (They were on sale at the party shop for $5 each, it seemed silly not to get three.) She wore the pink one to the pool this afternoon and is currently prancing around in the white one, talking about weddings and princes. Go feminism. Doncha...

Our holiday in Maleny was just magical. Provided by a company called Apex Adventures (who don't seem to have a website, or I would link to it), we stayed out the Maleny Views Cottage Resort and ate at King Ludwig's German Restaurant. Both had amazing views of the Glasshouse Mountains and the people at both places were so friendly. Our room was magnificent - two bedrooms, big comfy couches, double spa with view, giant plasma telly - and the breakfast each day was fantastic. We spent our days roaming Maleny and Montville and generally relaxing and taking it easy. It was just magical, Maleny and Montville have always been a very special place for Mama and I. It's just so peaceful. We went down to the Eumundi markets on Saturday - via the scenic route down the mountains. Mama's bright yellow pimpmobile (Hyundai Getz) did brilliantly down the 30% incline dirt road slope with no guardrail, even though Mama is absolutely terrified of heights! The local radio station was hosting a Leukaemia Foundation's World's Greatest Shave event at the markets, so I went on-air and talked a bit about my story and the Foundation and the great work they do. I'm such a media tart.

On Sunday I went around to the Van Pelts to spend some time, and then went to Mass with them that evening, and the shave event their church was hosting. Both Michael and his father went the shave (with Tom losing the beard and mo as well) and identical twin girls with the most gorgeous long curly hair as well. It was a great event.

Today is Sophie-Doph's birthday, and we went to the Sushi Train and then to the pool. She's just come in to change out of the white dress into the purple one with the feathers, which she says is the prettiest. She is having a birthday party on Saturday, and I have bought face paints and fairy wings to wear. Nothing wrong with a giant fairy.

Tomorrow it starts again... I need to rock up at the hospital at 8.30, hungry, for my new picc-line to be inserted at ten. Not looking forward to having it put back in - it's unpleasant and painful for a start, and then I have to deal with tubes in my arm, and need to keep it dry and stuff. But I want it in my left arm this time, which might be a bit easier, and also want it a bit higher up in my arm, so that it won't kink each time I bend my elbow. Not that the operating staff will be terribly interested in what I want.

It also means that I will have to stay in hospital overnight, which is not very fun. I'm hoping to get out early the next day though (which kinda depends on not being too nauseous) because I am seeing the neurosurgeon who will tell me how my neck is going - motorcycle here I come!

Oh, did I mention that Smiths BBQ chips are definitely out now, and that Apricot Fruity-Bix and milk are the latest big thing?

So not looking forward to tomorrow. Last cycle I had no nausea, but that may have been because they omitted a particular drug to avoid the side effects. No need to omit it this time, so I guess we'll find out if that's the drug that causes the nausea...

I'll whinge later in the week!

Oh Michael - Jessie the cowgirl has started talking by herself. We'll be sitting on the couch, minding our own business, and Jessie will (from her home on the fireplace mantel) start yodelling. We're blaming the heat.

Love you all,

Jessie (yodellayahee...)

Not a whinge!

Hey troops,

The moral of the story (yes, I know I haven't started a story yet - and do I use that phrase too often? Am I a cliche-addict? Do I get off topic too easily? Or worse, do I ramble?) is that I should write my blog BEFORE I write emails or accidently get completely lost in other peoples' (more interesting and definitely cooler) blogs. I have spent all afternoon on the internet (oh what bliss!) and I've spent a lot of time on smh.com.au and lots of time cruising other peoples' blogs. There are people out there with much more interesting lives than me. If I can work out how, I'll post links to other peoples' blogs and you can all stop reading mine.

I think I will be arrested for crimes against dashes and parantheses (brackets, for you people with lives).

Bit of a whimsical mood at the moment.

Sitting in the Sofitel at the moment. Could definitely get used to it. Mama left her phone in the car, the valet noticed, rang the room and then brought it up to us. Now that's service. We don't even tip in this country.

Anyway, why am I sitting in the Sofitel? A) because it's been 38 degrees outside - this is supposed to be autumn! Hard to ignore global warming when the sweat is pouring off you. B) Because I can. Dave (my step-dad) is in town doing a course, and the company put him in the Sofitel. So while he is on his course, Mama and I hide in the airconditioning and surf the net. Bliss. We're off to a Gold Class movie tonight (not available in Mackay, and besides, much easier on Jessie's neck). I seem to be living the high life at the moment. And on Thursday, some wonderful people up in Maleny (Sunshine Coast Hinterlands) have offered us use of a cabin for a couple of nights. So stop feeling sorry for me now people... my life is good. God loves me.

But don't push me down the mountain just yet - I go back to chemo next week. (Just spoiling the mood.)

Last weekend I went to Toowoomba for Ben and Sus's wedding. Everything kicked off on Thursday night, with the hen's night... attempting to recreate the posh hotel/cocktails/spa thing that worked so well before. (Definitely think we should make that a regular event, Sus.) (Oh dear, more parantheses.) (I'm doomed. The grammar police will arrest me for overuse soon.) (Oh, okay, just one more.) And it was a great night, even if we didn't make it to the spa... which was unfortunately located in the bathroom - imagine that! And wouldn't have fitted two of us, let alone all four... It was not the Pimp Suite! But we had a good night, even if we did work out that you're definitely getting older when a C.S. Cowboy makes you feel queasy instead of wanting to dance on the table. So it wasn't a late night... but probably just as well! Friday morning we had our nails done, which was nice. I think I'll start making an effort to actually do my nails - I have very nice nails, so a little effort can't hurt...

We had lunch, Rich and I did a little last minute shopping (organised? What does that mean?) and then Sus and family and I went to look at the flowers and then on to the church for the rehearsal. Big, beautiful church. We had the rehearsal dinner and then a reasonably early night for a very big day the next day!

We spent the morning getting beautiful - my hair took the shortest time, but it meant that I had to wear hair all morning once it was done! (And yes - oh, hello paranthesis - I wore the brown wig, not the pink one...). Susan was absolutely radiant, really beautiful. Lovely dress, lovely flowers, and she looked so happy too. The ceremony was beautiful (very hot in the church though!) and only a slight glitch when we all signed a document marrying Sus to one Ben Sullivan - never heard of him.

Lots and lots of photos... which is all part and parcel of the wedding, but takes its toll.. with some hopefully classic shots of Sus going round on a sea-saw in a posh white frock! By the time we got to the reception we were all complaining about our sore feet, only to be greeted by an example of Sus's thoughtfulness and military operation planning capabilities - hot pink thongs to match our dresses! And no further complaints were heard.

The reception was lovely, the speeches were great, the food was good and so was the music. All in all, it was a lovely wedding, and they both seemed very happy.

There is something mildly ironic about signing a marriage certificate with a man who split several months ago, however. (Richard was best man.) (Oh hello again, paranthesis.)

So a good weekend, and a good weekend ahead. And I'm feeeeeeeling good. (I know that it's an ad for quitting smoking, but I like to sing it when I'm feeeeeeeling good. And I'm feeeeeeeling good.) And if you post a comment on my blog I'll feel good some more.

I'm off to see Wild Hogs and dream about my motorbike! Isn't she beautiful? I'm seeing the neurosurgeon next week to see how my neck is going. It's feeling good, I've got lots of motion back and very little pain. So I'm optimistic - although I think I'm the only one!

Take care of yourself, and stay tuned for more whinging next week.

God bless,

Jess (who's feeeeeeeeling good - end paranthesis).

PS Word of the day: paranthesis, plural parantheses. I think. If my spelling is shot to buggery as well as my grammar, don't let me know. It will only make me feel womblish. Ooh, possibly next post's word of the day...

PPS Michael, you don't think I'm capable of gambolling around like a fat balding semi naked spring lamb?!?

Quickie

Just a quick update, things are actually going quite well. Little to no nausea, feeling pretty good. It has been STINKY hot here for the past couple of days, so I'm really wilting in the heat. Very low energy, but if that's as bad as it's going to get this round, I can cope.

Trying to be less whingy this cycle, but seem to be failing. Whinge whinge whinge.

I have made a terrible and gruesome discovery. I am turning into Andy from Little Britain. Yeah I know. I don't like it.

See, I even whinge about turning into Andy. Whinge whinge whinge.

Tomorrow I get my picc line taken out of my arm! I'm very excited at the prospect of a whole week of freedom. I can shower without protecting my arm! I'm going to have spas... lots of them! (Somewhere.) And then in a week's time I'm going to have another yucky operation to put it back in. But hopefully in my left arm and higher up so it will work a little better. CUrrently it kinks up whenever I bend my arm and it won't give blood anymore, which means that the vampires attack my other arm every week.

This weekend is Ben and Sus's wedding, so looking forward to a few days in Toowoomba... the dresses are finished and look good. I must dig my hair out though...

Hope you're well... I'm just about half way through my chemo now!

Lots of love,

Jessie xoxox

Warning: This is an overshare!

The problem with blogging is that sometimes there are things that you don’t want to share – they’re just too embarrassing or painful or whatever. The other problem with blogging is that sometimes you want to share things that you really perhaps shouldn’t. But they’re just too classic not to share! So be warned, I am about to sacrifice my dignity and mystique on the altar of comedy. Read on at your peril.

So I started chemo again on Tuesday. We rocked up to the hospital early, and I was in a bit of stomach pain, really unpleasant crampy kinda pain. We toddled off to x-ray for a stomach x-ray, and then back to the chemo ward. In the meantime, I’ve thrown up a couple of times (and this is well before any chemo has started). My doctor walks in, looks at the scan, looks up and says “Jess, you’re full of shit”.

Yes, indeed. Thank you. The drugs that prevent nausea do in fact have a concreting effect. I was aware of it as a minor problem, but not to this extent. Such a great choice – nausea or concrete. I think I’ll skip the details on how we fixed the problem.

On the plus side, the chemo went well – I’ve had almost no nausea (which means I haven’t had to take anti-nausea drugs, which means – oh, never mind) which has made such a big difference. Yesterday I started getting the bone pain, which is unpleasant – even my cheekbones and ribs ache. This morning I took a fentanyl lollypop and before I finished it the nausea started. So I’m drawing a direct link between my painkillers and nausea at the moment. Vicious sort of side-effects spiral – have pain, need painkillers. Painkillers cause nausea, need anti-nausea drugs. Anti-nausea drugs cause concrete, and I’ve already said too much about that.

I have decided to call my nausea Nancy. We have nice Nancy, naughty Nancy and nasty Nancy. She has been really nice for the past couple of days, but it looks like she’s getting a bit naughty now.

I’ve started a new book – The Purpose-Driven Life. I’m looking forward to discovering and living God’s purpose for my life. I think it’s time to start living with purpose rather than just existing. It’s very exciting.

Mama and I have been planning out the next couple of months. By the end of May all this chemo stuff will be all over and we’ll be onto the next phase of our lives – scary and exciting all at once! It will take quite a few months to recover from chemo, so I plan on convalescing in Mackay.

I want to write emails to everyone, but again, internet access is very limited, so please forgive me.

Lots of love to you all.

God bless,

Jess xoxoxo