A little something to keep you going while I'm away...

Here it is at last. A belated, long, but hopefully worth it account of the long weekend on the Sunshine Coast that I delayed surgery for. You be the judge. More when I get back from Sydney.

Much love, as always.

God bless,

Jessie xoxox



Operation Recreate Caloundra

Dramatis Personae:

Jacob : The quiet powerhouse. Part den mother, part logistician extraordinaire. Silently, from behind the scenes, will make sure everything is going well and no one is about to pass out in their own vomit. Also the only one able to control Regina.

Regina : Alpha female, organiser, maternal funster. Determined to wring fun out of every moment. Keeper of the chess pieces. Likes to make sure everyone is getting as drunk as her. Agree with her, keep her happy and have a blast.

Michael : The dark horse. Quiet, conservative, considerate. Pour the plonk down his throat though and see the inner party animal roar into life. Can actually dance. Plays too much chess though.

Bruce : The only person whose chess improves the more he drinks. Regardless of how much Regina puts in front of him. Life goal is to steal the Crown Jewels though. Plus he plays too much chess.

Raquel : Bruce's mysterious girlfriend who turns out to be gorgeous AND intelligent and thus skyrockets Bruce's cred. Fantastic addition to the group. Fails to curb Bruce's appetite for chess though.

Jessica : Nice quiet submissive girl with no opinions of her own who is always happy to go along with the wishes of the crowd. Assumed presidency of Bullwinkle via a bloodless coup. Prone to sardonic observations, understatement and the occasional outright lie (see above). Love/hate relationship with chess. For some reason has no hair. Gets the longest character description, although some of it was rubbish.

Jason : Random blow-in. Keeps Jessica quiet. Still working on submissive.

******

Scene 1: Friday
Michael is picking up Jessica. Unfortunately there is no room left in Michael's boot for Jessica's luggage.

Jessica (shaking her head): No way dude. You have not packed that enormous suitcase for only three days.

Michael (giggles sheepishly): But, but, it's got a pillow and three pairs of shorts!

Jessica : Oh dear.

Michael and Jessica drive to Bruce's to pick up Bruce and Raquel. Meet up with Regina and Jacob. All depart. Michael, Jessica, Bruce and Raquel stop so Bruce can go back for his camera. All depart again.

For some reason go to Mooloolaba. (Author was asleep in car when decision was made.) Alcohol is purchased. Some debate about how to get to destination.

Bruce is navigating while Michael drives and all cars do a scenic lap of Mooloolaba. Finally find highway. Regina and Jacob keep taking random exits off said highway. Finally find Marcoola beach and hotel. Hurrah!

Luggage is unloaded, with various personal comments. Michael has brought a small country and Jessica refuses to be separated from Winnie the Pooh.

Check in occurs and the group travels up to the room.

Jessica retires to her room to have a quick emotional breakdown.

Others run around apartment scoping out the rooms, the view, the rooftop terrace and the enormous 8 person spa.

Jacob : We need to go grocery shopping.

Jessica : I suggest that only one or two people go with a list.

Jacob : I agree.

Regina : No, I think everyone should go.

(Intense debate over individual versus communal groceries.)

Regina : I think everyone should go.

Jacob : But then we have to take two cars.

Jessica : Why don't you all go in one car and I will stay here and get over being weird.

Jacob, Regina, Michael, Bruce and Raquel go grocery shopping. Jessica goes to beach and almost freezes solid. Comes back still weird, but improved.


Scene 2: Friday night
Michael consumes glass of wine. Chess is played. Michael consumes glass of wine. At some stage someone suggests distracting the chess players and an unholy alliance between chess and suggestive ear nibbles is born. Michael consumes glass of wine. Drinking game is played (bastardised version of the one from cocktail party a few weeks back). Good quality vodka is consumed. Michael consumes glass of wine. Others also consume alcohol, but let's face it, focus is on Michael and his bottomless glass of wine. Michael has consumed bottle. Michael is officially drunk. For the first time in his life.

Michael : "Hey, I'm drunk!"

Michael : "I didn't know it was this good!"

Michael : "It's like you still know what you're doing, but it feels good!"

Michael : "You guys are amazing!"

Michael : "This is amazing!"

Michael : "Hey, I'm drunk!"

Regina : "Hey Michael, dance for us!"

Michael dances, surprisingly well.

Chess ceases and everyone retires up to the spa. And by retires I obviously mean everyone does a mad sprint up the stairs in the freezing cold and dives into the warmth.

Jessica : "Michael, wake up."

Foot massages occur in spa. (Well, there may have been other types of massages, but the foot ones were the only ones author was privy to.)

Jessica : "Michael, you can't sleep in the spa."

Mathematical discussion about size or shape or sexual preference of the universe occurs. Not entirely sure of outcome, author tunes out of the maths talk.

Jessica : "Michael, drink more water."

Jessica realises she has officially turned into Michael's mother.

All characters leave spa until eventually it is only Regina and Jessica. Jessica has stupidly wet her hat and then thrown it out of spa and is losing body heat, fast. She spends ten minutes saying "I'm getting out now" and then does the frigid dash downstairs. Jacob and Michael are playing chess. Not very cool.

Regina is very cold and has large quantity of good quality vodka in system. She develops genius idea of putting head under water for long periods of time to stay warm, in between little naps. Thankfully manages not to combine the two activities. Eventually retires downstairs.

People sleep.


Scene 3: Saturday
Some people get up early to watch sunrise. (Author oblivious.)

Some people go for walk. (Author oblivious.)

Stupid mother****ing heater in author's room does not work. (Author cold.)

Bloody Michael feels fine. (Author's head hurts.)

Bruce cooks barbeque on rooftop terrace. Lunch for most, breakfast for author. Love the steak for breakfast concept.

Jacob and Jessica go out on a church hunt. They buy a cake. They also buy some little cakes, but they cunningly eat them before they go home. Jacob buys milk.

Regina is making coffee. Jacob has bought the wrong milk. Jacob goes out again to buy the correct milk.

Chess is played (probably).


Scene 4: Saturday night
Some people, much to Raquel's relief, declare that too much chess has occurred and crack open Balderdash.

Jessica and Jacob dominate the board. Jessica gets to be the black knight. She is totally awesome. (In case you haven't worked it out, Jessica and Author are the same person.)

Word of the night: Distelfink.

Jacob : "Oh Raquel, yours was my second choice."

Regina : "Oh Raquel, yours was my second choice."

Michael : "Oh Raquel, yours was my second choice."

Bruce : "Oh Raquel, yours was my second choice."

Jessica : "Oh Raquel, yours was my second choice."

Raquel : *Line has been deleted from script.*

Jessica wins. She really is awesome. Balderdash is an awesome game, not like that ridiculous chess game. Jessica is crap at chess.

All retire to spa. Regina is not left unsupervised.

People sleep.


Scene 5: Sunday
Stupid mother****ing heater in author's room still not working.

Author cold. Gets up at five am to move to lounge where heater is working (excuse being to watch sunrise). Unfortunately Bruce and Raquel have similar idea and author has disturbed romantic moment. Author falls asleep and hopes that romantic moment can continue – snoring body in corner should add to atmosphere, not detract. Author is warm. Catches some of sunrise.

Jessica goes to church.

Bruce, Raquel and Michael go to the beach. Jessica and Regina dress up like snow terrorists and follow. Jessica and Regina stalk girl who looks like Raquel but turns out not to be. Jessica and Regina eventually find them and do their best to sunbathe in the dead of winter.

Jessica returns to apartment. Jacob dresses like snow terrorist and goes to beach. Jason arrives.

All return to apartment. Lunch is had on rooftop terrace. Jessica has a guilt attack and gets out ABC camera to continue documenting her life. Jessica feels better.

Chess is played. (A safe bet for when author does not remember exactly what happened.) Someone comes up with unique concept that since Raquel and Jason think chess is rubbish, they should play each other. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em concept is unfortunately squashed by both parties. Jason is initiated into transfer. Decides it is crap after missing a queen mates plonk. Bad workman always blames his tools.

All go out to dinner in Mooloolaba. Michael is creative navigator. Again. Good thing he can dance.

All go home. Michael and Regina get into some serious dancing. Michael has been drinking again. Decides he wants to play chess. Bruce agrees enthusiastically. Regina has had enough of chess and has been hiding the pieces. Regina comes up with cunning plan to prevent Michael playing chess – he can only play with Bruce if he can first beat Regina. Regina confident her skills and Michael's drunkenness will deliver her a crushing victory. She is wrong. Michael and Bruce play chess.

Some people go up to spa. Very romantic. Author does not kiss and tell.

People sleep.


Scene 6: Monday
Stupid mother****ing heater still not working in author's room. Author did not notice.

Cleanup operation begins. Check out occurs. Final trips to beach occur.

Jason and Michael drive home. Michael stalks Jason the whole Pacific highway. (It means he doesn't have to navigate.)

Jacob, Regina, Bruce, Raquel and Jessica go for drive up to Maleny and rainforest. Drive good. Stop at French restaurant to purchase foie gras dismal failure. Stop at fudge shop to purchase fudge rip-roaring success. Lunch relative success. Drive to rainforest.

Jacob, Regina, Bruce and Raquel go for walk to rainforest. Apparently good. Jessica sits and gets monstered by mosquitoes, then sleeps in car. Good.

Jacob, Regina, Bruce, Raquel and Jessica drive home.

All pass judgment on Operation Recreate Caloundra.

Jacob : "Ma Cool'ah Vice. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, methinks. Still, it was nicely displaced."

Regina : "A weekend to kill ya!"

Michael : "Wow! That was so amazing!"

Bruce : "Not enough chess."

Raquel : *Line has been deleted from script.*

Jessica : "Worth delaying life-saving brain surgery for."

Jason : "It seemed quite warm and friendly to me."

Curtains fall. No encores.

And back to bounce again

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

And thus it is a rollercoaster. Last week I was feeling fairly ordinary physically, and this week I am feeling good again. I succumbed to the pain and went back on a low dose fentanyl patch last Thursday. Saturday I was due to change it, but was in no pain so didn't bother. It's now Monday and I'm still in no pain, so I am officially back off the painkillers again! And feeeeeling good.

I did a CT last week which found some lymph nodes in my neck were up. I did a PET scan on Friday, which was a new experience! They injected me with a radiactive glucose and then put me in a little darkened room by myself while I was radioactive. I couldn't read because it would stimulate my brain and thus affect the uptake of the radioactive dye. But they gave me a valium to relax the muscles and I quite happily slept for the hour (I can sleep in a MRI machine; a bed in a dark room with valium in my system is very much a doddle). I then went to lie in a machine for half an hour and it was all very straightforward. No results from it yet.

The main result from all these tests? It's time to go back to Sydney to talk to my doctor there. He is the only one at the moment with the overall knowledge of my case and the cancer expertise. My doctor here in Brisbane is fantastic but he is a haemato-oncologist and my cancer is outside his sphere of expertise. He can give me chemo and refer me on to specialists, but this is not his field. I can and will get a new specialist here in Brisbane but for the moment it is just easier to go to Sydney.

So the good news is I will be in Sydney this weekend! We are arriving on Thursday so I can go to Life Force that evening - and yes, we does indeed mean that TNM is coming too, and will be available for grilling. We will be holding court at the usual place - cocktails at the Swissotel on Friday night. The appointment with the doctor is at 3.30, so hoping to be back by drinks time on Friday. I am trying to call everyone to invite you all, but if I don't, please consider this your invitation to come and have a drink on Friday night!

So I am well again, feeling very good, and hoping to see you all on Friday...

God bless,

Jess xoxox

Back to bleugh

It had to happen. The happy, blithe, healthy Jess who strides into radiation every day with a smile has been replaced by the more subdued, tired and in pain one. Stupid cancer.

I am starting to feel some of the effects of the radiation. I am tired - very tired. And a bit light headed whenever I stand up. And much as I don't want to admit it, I am a bit more spacy and have trouble concentrating on my book. I realised the other day that I hadn't actually read a book in over a week - I have been tending to go online and read articles and blogs and such - things that require less concentration and dedication. So I started the latest Philippa Gregory and I seem to still be able to read okay... which is good, given that Harry Potter comes out later this month...

And I'm having a little bit of trouble with my right collarbone at the moment. Hoping that it is just a muscle or ligament problem, since all of my neck muscles are still pretty much seized up after the vertebra issues last year. I am having an ultrasound tomorrow to find out.

The pain in my collarbone was bad enough last night to warrant a morphine lollypop though. So the final State of Origin game was definitely a bit surreal. I giggled through the first half and slept through the second half, and couldn't focus or concentrate on the game at all. Morphine is like that. But I don't like taking morphine unless I absolutely have to, and the pain has definitely been managable today. So keeping it minimal.

I have been speaking at a couple of Leukaemia Foundation functions lately. Mostly thank you functions for the Shave for a Cure fundraisers. I took TNM to a corporate drinks function a couple of weeks ago, and one of the reps from one of the top fundraisers chatted him up. Quite openly too, when I came over she suggested that there were plenty more fish in the sea for me and that perhaps I should leave that one for her. Honestly, who chats up the sick girl's man? Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture?

Interesting lesson in inelastic demand in the past couple of days. (Yes Jacqui, I too am transported back to Hawken lecture theatre and the chocolate muffins. And the MORONIC tutor with no idea.) I had been given an estimate of my stereotactic radiosurgery before I went ahead with it, and it was quite a significant figure. But, you know, life saving brain surgery right? And who really needs a motorbike, anyway... To get the bill yesterday, and find that somehow that figure had doubled, was somewhat of a shock. I queried this with my doctor today, and she rang accounts, and I think that the figure will go back down again with some facet of Medicare. (Plus she chewed them out for not calling me before the surgery to make sure I was well aware of all of these hidden costs.) I still need to find out the final details. But the question is, would I still have gone ahead with the surgery if I had known upfront just how expensive it was going to be? Now, if it was curative surgery, if I was going to go back to 'normal' (stupid word) and healthy and 'fixed' then absolutely; what price health? But for me it is merely a delaying tactic; putting out another fire. On the other hand though, death by brain tumour would be very unpleasant and something I am trying very hard to avoid. So yes, I think I would have gone ahead with the surgery anyway.

Interesting issue, this one. What is the best way to die? Death by brain tumour is something that fills me with dread, and thus it was a complete no-brainer to seek treatment for it. (Tee hee hee. Not very funny.) The chemotherapy, however, was primarily intended to attack the cancer in my lymphatic cancer. Death by cancer in lymphatic system is comparably quite easy, however - become increasingly tired, sleep more and more and more and eventually keep sleeping. By undergoing chemotherapy, and it being quite so successful as it was, it probably means that at a later date the cancer will return somewhere else in my body. And probably won't be as 'easy' a degeneration as the lymphatic cancer. But on the other hand, the chemo has definitely bought me more time.

So what do you think? Is more time now worth a more unpleasant demise later? Or should I have gone for the easier option at the end?

I think you're all worth spending the extra time with. I've made my call. And thus I will continue fighting each and every fire as it burns. For now.

Yeah, I know. I always get a bit maudlin when I'm tired.

It's been a bit of a heavy post, but I'm still very happy. Very contented. Life is still good. Spending lots of time with family, friends and TNM. I am very blessed. In the great scale of crap to good stuff in my life, the good stuff wins. (Eloquent, wot.)

God bless,

Jess